Dear Miriam,

I really feel for my cousin. Her husband keeps bad-mouthing her family behind her back. He describes her mother as a disgraceful control freak and the only time he will get any peace from her is when she is dead. He also refers to her older brother as too stupid even for farming, as he is fed up cleaning up his mess and that he wishes he could have nothing to do with them.

People are expressing comments on how rude he is. God only knows what he is like to live with, with a tongue like this. He was always a bit moody/dry, but lately his comments seem to have gotten worse. His wife works hard, and I think she only intended on having two children but the absence of any son for the farm meant she had to go again. I really wonder who the “control freak” here is. Her family that come home on holidays don’t stay with them anymore.

Anyway Miriam, I am asking if I should get my other half or someone in the family to have a word with him as neighbours are commenting on how rude he is. I think bad-mouthing her family behind her back is showing that he has no respect for her.

Thank you,

Concerned cousin

Dear Concerned cousin,

Thank you for your letter. Your love and care for your cousin is clear and I understand that it must be difficult to hear her husband talk in this way about his in-laws, who are also your relatives. Of course, when we don’t like the way that somebody is speaking or behaving, often our immediate response is to want to step in and ‘sort’ things.

I’ve discussed your letter with Kerry-based psychotherapist, Harriet Mc Guigan, who “absolutely empathises” with how you feel about this situation. Harriet explains that in her own life, she’s had similar experiences in her extended family where she was unhappy about how somebody was speaking or behaving, and desperately wanted to ‘fix’ the problem. Over time, however, she discovered that she became so consumed with trying to solve other people’s issues that she ended up ignoring her own needs. She realised the old adage was true: we can’t control other people or how they behave, only our response. So, she changed her approach.

“I stubbornly keep coming back to living and falling in love with my life ever since,” says Harriet. “I tend to leave my extended family ‘be’ (most of the time) and look at what actually is my business.”

At first glance, the concept of focusing on what is “our business” might sound like a cop out. But as Harriet explains, it is very difficult for anyone to dictate to another adult how they should speak; at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own choices in life, this man included. Moreover, it can take us away from living our own lives to the full, where we are in total control of what we think, say, do etc.

In response to your query about getting your husband to have a quiet word, Harriet believes that this very much depends on their relationship ie would they be close and would he usually seek/take advice from him? “Usually feedback is better received when people ask us for it,” observes Harriet, who adds that often when people say ‘mean’ or ‘cutting’ things about other people, it’s because they are in a difficult place themselves.

So as difficult as it might be to step back, Harriet advises that rather than spend more time worrying about how this man is talking about his in-laws, it might be better to invest in looking after yourself and your family, hobbies, interests etc. If you feel you have neglected your own self-care through stress over this situation, you could try journaling or also seek some support through counselling. “You must be the change you wish to see in the world,” says Harriet, quoting from Mahatma Ghandi – in this case, living your own life to the best of your ability, with respect and compassion for all. In turn, this will allow you to be in the best place to support any of your loved ones- including cousins – if they ever come to you in the future seeking advice or help. Both Harriet and I wish you the best of luck.

Harriet Mc Guigan is a psychotherapist in Castlemaine, Co Kerry. She is especially skilled at working with people affected by living with addiction, recovering from trauma/abuse and empowering parents and children to be the best version of themselves they can be. For further information, see www.harrietmcguigan.com

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