Dear Miriam,

I love your column in Irish Country Living I am writing in relation to the letter about the sister-in-law in the 6 July issue (“My sister-in-law does nothing to help our mother). Firstly, I think your advice is excellent – meeting as a family circle and good communication is so important and the top priority is that the son/brother must be present (sister-in-law too if she wishes to be there). So little has changed over the years.

It seems this topic of caring for the elderly and marrying into farms seems to be more of a female topic/problem, etc.

A few decades ago I married into a farm, worked for years, then had to leave work when the children arrived as it was too stressful and expensive. I ended up caring for family most of the time, cared for my in-laws, working on the farm, bog, farm accounts, cleaning two houses, doing shopping, mass journeys, funerals, etc – most of the time for my in-laws.

However, looking back, I became a “doormat” I listened to verbal abuse and was criticised when family members were present.

He rarely stood up to his family because he wanted to get a smooth transfer of assets – so I was told to “stay quiet”

My mother-in-law’s siblings always knew best. Alas, my husband knew how to avoid situations and somehow disappeared out to the farm.

He rarely stood up to his family because he wanted to get a smooth transfer of assets – so I was told to “stay quiet”.

Now that he has inherited the farm, he is still not a happy man but likes to feel in control. Sadly, I am not named on the land or house Why worry now? Life is passing us by.

So I say that the sister-in-law moving into the farm brings its own issues and problems.

I don’t know what the future holds with the farm, but I am delighted that all my family are working and healthy

However, it can work for some families if communication is good on every side and the workload and responsibilities are shared from the beginning.

My home is quiet now as the family are getting on with their own lives.

I don’t know what the future holds with the farm, but I am delighted that all my family are working and healthy. It’s lonely at times, but I do some part-time work for income. Best of luck to the family involved.

Sorry the letter is so long – your column is a lifesaver for many – me included.

West of Ireland reader

A reader writes

Dear Miriam,

Re your letter in Irish Country Living dated 6 July, I could be that sister-in-law (daughter-in-law) 40 years ago. Very little has changed over the years as it’s likely to be women highlighting the issue, and bickering, complaining or pointing to the other woman who has never married on the farm. However, elderly parents need care and that has to be discussed by family members.

I married into the farm 40 years ago, left work after a few years and had my four children, and took on most of the child-rearing myself as my husband was a farmer.

My husband did help occasionally, but I should have requested more help with his parents

I also became the main carer for my in-laws, etc I did mass runs, shopping, cleaned their house and my own, did most of the school runs, activities for my children, etc I was happy to do that then as I was young, energetic and in love. My husband did help occasionally, but I should have requested more help with his parents.

I had no time for any hobbies of my own and over the years endured verbal abuse from my mother-in-law and my husband’s siblings.

That was some consolation, although it took 30 years

My husband hadn’t the place in his name and told me to keep quiet until it was sorted, which happened 20 years after our marriage. To this day, he has not put my name on the land or house titles and is not ashamed to say so. I really feel used after all my years of caring for family and in-laws and my mother-in-law did acknowledge before she died that I was very kind to her.

That was some consolation, although it took 30 years.

As regards this letter re sister-in-law, things may not be all “rosy” for her and she is right to attend pilates and coffee mornings if she can. Let the two daughters and son talk matters out and work out some rota. You have given the writer good advice Miriam.

Good luck to them.

Connacht reader