Dear Miriam,

I am a farmer’s wife and a mother of two boys. The eldest fella is farm mad and is studying agriculture, has a girlfriend, an active social life, etc. However, the younger lad, who is just 17, is completely different.

Even as a small boy, he never had much interest in the farm and preferred to spend his time at art and drama rather than sports. He was always very good at helping me at home, and while his older brother might have teased him about being a “mammy’s boy”, I just put it down to sibling rivalry. He is into his style but, again, I never read much into that as these days all young lads seem to be into fashion.

Last week, however, I was giving his room a good clean out when I found a pile of men’s magazines about fitness, body building, etc, under the bed. He is not into sport, so it wouldn’t be the type of thing he would read. They are not gay magazines (there were pictures of female models too), but I’m worried this could be a sign my son might be more attracted to boys than to girls. Why else would they be hidden away?

I am fairly open-minded about most things, but I would worry if it turned out that he was gay. Rural Ireland is not the easiest place to live if you are different, and even though he will probably go to college in Dublin after his Leaving Cert next year, I’d also worry for his safety in the city, especially when you hear about these random attacks. Also, my husband is quite traditional and while a lot of things might have changed in Ireland, I worry that my son would face discrimination in the future.

Maybe I’m jumping the gun, but should I ask him about the magazines or if he has had any feelings for men? I hate the idea of him keeping something like this to himself, but, at the same time, I don’t know whether I’m equipped to support him on it.

Mary, Leinster

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your letter. While I understand your concerns, I think it’s important not to rush to any conclusions. At 17, your son is still figuring out who he is and just because he is a more sensitive soul does not mean one thing or the other when it comes to sexuality. Indeed, it’s just as likely that he bought those magazines to look at the female models, or to read about bulking up as any other reason.

What is important is to keep the channels of communication open, so that if your son does want to tell you something, he feels comfortable doing so. At this stage, I don’t think it’s necessary to ask your son outright if he is gay, as even if it’s true, he might be coming to terms with his sexuality and be embarrassed to be asked directly about it. Instead, it might be better to show him in an indirect way that you are open and non-judgmental when it comes to sexuality. For example, if there is an item in the newspaper or on TV about civil partnership, gay marriage, etc, you could say something like: “Sure doesn’t everybody have a right to be loved?” or something along those lines. That sends a clear message if he wishes to broach the topic down the line.

As you mention other concerns, like telling your husband, living in a rural community, etc, I think that it might be beneficial to contact a support group for parents of children who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender. LOOK (Loving Our Out Kids) runs monthly support groups in Dublin and has a telephone line that could help you work through many of the questions you raise. You can read more at www.loving ouroutkids.org and find details of other support groups nationwide.

However, at the end of the day, he is your son and you’ll always love him, no matter what. That’s the best support you can give to him. CL