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I am married to a really good woman. She is bubbly, outgoing and very caring to our young children. She did not have it easy coming through COVID, as we found out we were expecting at the start of lockdown and she became isolated. This all took its toll and after the birth she was diagnosed with PND (postnatal depression/anxiety).
Unfortunately, she has never had any real support from her parents. I’m now feeling the pressure as my wife had two very small altercations with my mother, which has really escalated. It is putting a strain on relations between my wife and I and on our young kids’ visits to granny and grandad. It is all really energy sapping and I feel depressed by it all.
My wife now finds it hard to “let go” of things. I feel it stems back to her childhood and the lack of emotional care and support she received. She goes for therapy and is constantly buying self-help books etc.
I try my absolute best to comfort her and to try to help her look at things slightly differently. It’s a shame that my parents are missing out on their grandkids. It was not always this way.
Worried Husband.
Thank you for getting in touch. The last few years have not been very kind to your wife, nor to you. As you say, “it was not always this way”. Hopefully, it does not have to remain so, either.
I’m conscious that this is a sensitive situation, so without getting into the ins and outs here, I wonder if it would be a good idea for you both to see a therapist together?
At the moment, you are doing your best to help your wife, but that can be a challenge without the right tools or support structure behind you. It can be hard to know what is best to say or to do, so I think that would be a very positive step forward.
In time, if you build up a relationship of trust with the therapist, you both might find that this is a safe space to tease out some of the issues that have emerged in recent years. A neutral party might be able to steer you both towards a solution to restoring the children’s relationship with their grandparents.
Even if your wife is not open to seeing a therapist together, I think it would be worthwhile for you to seek support yourself, as you mention that it is also impacting your mental health. A good start might be to talk to your GP. I really wish you the best of luck in supporting your wife, and yourself.
In relation to the recent letter published in 11 February edition (“I’m being guilted for hiring a cleaner”) please look after yourself and keep your cleaner coming in to help you.
You and your husband are working very hard and rearing young children. Ask your mother-in-law “before you do snap” – which will cause even more aggro/trouble between you – to leave what is going on inside your house. It is nobody’s business, but you and your husband’s. Explain that your husband is supportive of your decision and you are splitting the cost.
None of us can help when we were born and in her mother-in-law’s time, plus my mother/mother-in-law’s time, they didn’t work outside the home.
Keep your cleaner and drive on, because it is lovely to walk into a nice clean house. Please note that I am married to a tillage farmer and can have a lot of clay etc brought in to the kitchen when I am cooking for contractors etc, but I don’t let it get to me. I explained to my husband there is no need to change their boots and if they bring in clay, I will sweep it up. When the harvest is over, I will also get a cleaner to help me clean and shine the house.
Take care of yourself now. Feel the fear and do it anyway with your mother-in-law. Please take Miriam’s advice too.
Regular reader.
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