Dear Miriam,

Our youngest daughter – who is in her late 20s – recently returned to live at home on the farm to try and save for a deposit for a house. She does have a good job with a decent salary, but could not afford to pay rent and put money aside at the same time. We have the space at home and live in a commutable distance from her workplace, so we were happy to welcome her back. Any parent would do the same, especially the way things are in Ireland at the moment. It’s very difficult for young people to get a start in life.

As you know Miriam, things are tough for farmers at the moment and it’s hard to keep a household going

I did think that she might offer to make some contribution to the house, like a few bob towards the bills, food shopping etc. Yet, so far, there has been nothing at all forthcoming, even though she seems to have the money to go out with friends, shop online and even head off for a week in the sun during the summer.

As you know Miriam, things are tough for farmers at the moment and it’s hard to keep a household going for two adults, not to mind three. But I don’t know, I just don’t feel like I can ask her to pay “rent” as her mother. After all, she is still our daughter and this will always be her home, no matter how old she is.

What would your advice be in this situation?

Mary, Wicklow

Dear Mary,

Thanks for your letter. I suspect that there are a lot of parents facing the same dilemma at the moment. I agree that it is difficult for young people to get on the property ladder today. But think back to your own 20s. How easy – or otherwise – was it for you and your husband to get a start in life?

I’ll hazard a guess that there was not a lot of disposable income for nights out and new clothes and holidays in the sun? Is that fair to say?

She is a grown-up, remember, and she has to be someway responsible for herself at the end of the day

So while I understand that you want to help your daughter as much as possible, I don’t think it’s right that she lives at home without making any contribution at all.

She is a grown-up, remember, and she has to be someway responsible for herself at the end of the day.

At the very least, I think it’s only right that she pays her fair share when it comes to the utility bills, WiFi or TV subscriptions and food shopping. Personally, I think a modest “rent” would not be out of line either, but I suppose it depends on how you and your husband feel about asking for that.

With autumn in the door, a lot of the costs – like heating and electricity – will probably start to rise, so it’s probably a good time to broach the topic with your daughter.

I can’t see how she can really object

I would recommend just sitting down with her one evening and explaining that while you are delighted to have her home, things are very tough in farming at the moment and in order to keep the household running, you have to look at sharing the costs equally between you; whether that’s splitting the bills as they come in, or agreeing a weekly/monthly contribution from your daughter to cover the costs.

I can’t see how she can really object to such a request, especially as she would be paying bills on top of her rent if she did not have the opportunity to come home. Realistically, she is still going to be much better off than she was before. But I do think that making a reasonable contribution to the household is absolutely necessary if she is going to continue to stay at home for the foreseeable future. Don’t feel at all “guilty” about asking for it. I wish you all the best of luck.

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