‘Talking may be the only medicine which can bring us out of ourselves’

Like many of you reading this edition of the Irish Farmers Journal, my father was a farmer and “The Journal” was his weekly bible.

My Dad was a hardworking man, learned and gifted with his hands. Family and farming were his life. Tragically, my Dad took his own life on 20 September 2020. That day changed everything for me.

Since he passed, I think of his green wellies, cap, hands and constantly dream of the man. His handprints were taken the night he became an organ donor.

These were the hands that built our home, brought new life into the farm, milked cows, ploughed fields, welded, dug, sprayed, toiled. Today, these hands are guiding me to open a conversation around our mental health.

Talking may be the only medicine which can bring us out of ourselves.

Conversation

When it came to conversation, my Dad was probably one of a handful of people I know, who could chat in depth about world and current affairs, medical treatments, engineering, and most documentaries that were ever made – he watched them from the comfort of his own living room.

As I am writing this, I think about the times my Dad came to me and asked how I was, when I wasn’t coping very well at all. My Dad was my protector, he did not burden me with his pain, what a paradox that is. Wouldn’t I have been privileged if he confided in me?

Suicide does not offer a chance to tell someone you love them, and you want to help. They have gone alone.

Let’s look after our mental health. Be brave. Name it.

Name you are feeling low and down, reach out to people to help you make that call to your GP.

I imagine the act of spitting out the need for help is the hardest part.

Since my Dad’s death I have talked through my grief with a counsellor, and she has told me how psychological pain is probably the most difficult of all to deal with. My Dad wants me to help you let it go. Even giants can break.

When you are in crisis mode, how can we cope without help?

Open up to people to support you getting the help you need in time before it is too late. Talking through your feelings is not a sign of weakness, but a turning point in the road to better times.

Following my Dad’s death, fragments have come to light of his frailty which, when pieced together, shed light on a bigger picture of depression.

In my own life, I have noticed out-of-character behaviour in a friend which before I would not have zoned in on and chased. But when you lose someone to suicide, your senses become heightened and you are attuned to what may be happening for someone else, spotting potential warning signs.

Please, if something doesn’t feel right, don’t be afraid to ask someone: “Are you OK?”

If you are unsure, ask their family to check in on them. If someone is in trouble and you feel powerless and unable to help them, please pass it on – to friends, to family.

COVID-19 is increasing the loneliness and isolation we already feel. Let’s make a greater effort to call and visit those we love. Staying apart is not easy on anyone.

During this time, let us wave in the windows, bake cakes, pick up the phone, do what we can.

Words matter. No matter how bad things seem, there is always hope. Hope is a seed which we can nurture together by talking. Let us start the conversation today. How are you?

These are my words for you, Dad.

Together we may help someone live.