Dear Miriam,

I have been going out with a farmer for almost a year now. I come from a farming background myself, so the realities – and pressures – of this life are nothing new to me. I know it can be 24/7 at times and it can be hard to do things that other couples do so easily; for instance, head off on a last-minute getaway, make firm plans for the weekend and so on.

Of course, I know that this has been a very challenging year for farmers, including my boyfriend, and I realise that holidays and nights out are well down the priority list right now. I get all that, I really do.

He is a lovely guy and we always have fun when we are together. I am in my late 20s and think that we could have a future together. However, it is not uncommon for him to have to cancel plans at the last minute or not be fully “present” when we do meet, and I can’t help but feel that I always come second place to the farm.

If this is what it is like now, what will it be like if we decide to get married, have children, etc? Will it always be the farm first?

Maybe you think I am getting ahead of myself or over-reacting to what has been a difficult year for farmers. But time is also ticking and, if this is the way it is going to be, maybe it would be better to part on good terms now, rather than letting the frustration and resentment build up and explode.

I would appreciate your advice.

Michelle, Munster

Dear Michelle,

Thank you for your letter. I think you are sensible to raise these concerns and to think about what the future might look like if you do decide to settle down together, start a family, and the like.

Of course, this has been an exceptionally difficult year for farmers with the hard winter, fodder crisis, and other difficulties, making it quite understandable that your boyfriend has been very preoccupied with the farm. At the same time, however, in order to stay well, avoid burn-out and be prepared for when challenges come our way, we also need to make sure that we have balance in our lives by nurturing our relationships, taking time out to relax and getting a break from the isolation of the farm.

I think it is important to share your feelings with your boyfriend. It is not that you are accusing him of being selfish or anything like that: clearly you understand the real pressure he has been under. But something is going to have to change, and hopefully you can find a solution together.

It could be as practical as looking at your weekly schedules and essentially “time-tabling” quality time together. For example, is there a way of getting jobs done earlier on one of the days, or can a family member lend a hand to give him an evening off? Is there a possibility of getting Farm Relief in to cover a long weekend away together? You could also look at ways of spending quality time together on the farm if there is something that you both enjoy doing together – even if it is snatching time for a walk through the fields between jobs.

The important thing is to try and meet each other half way and for both sides to be willing to communicate and to compromise. I think it’s when people stop talking – and trying – that the problems start.

Hopefully your boyfriend will be willing to do what he can in order to give the relationship the time and effort it needs to grow. If not, however, I think you know the right thing to do for you.

I wish you both the best of luck CL