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Dear Miriam,
I feel under pressure at the moment and don’t know what to do. I’m married to a full-time farmer. I know he’s very busy, but I feel very unhappy at present.
We have a lovely, healthy family and I know I should be so grateful. I work outside the home and my job can be stressful. I do all the housework, cooking (for family and farm workers), cleaning, caring for kids, after-school activities and now home schooling. My husband is normally out from 7am to 8/9pm and often 10/11pm, seven days a week.
If I ask for support with house, garden or to put the kids to bed, I’m told I’m nagging
When I ask for help with home-schooling, I’m told “they don’t need any of that”. If I ask for support with house, garden or to put the kids to bed, I’m told I’m nagging and it normally ends in a fight; despite the fact that I took time off work this spring to help on the farm. I feel very unsupported. I previously mentioned counselling, but he feels he’s doing nothing wrong and it’s only I’m stressed and going through some sort of break down.
I try to go for a walk every morning at 6.30am before he goes out. That’s the only time I know he’ll be inside to mind the kids
I’ve tried counselling myself and I know I need to mind myself. I’m so trapped now and can’t seem to see any light at the end. I know if I said I’d leave him, he’d probably be delighted.
I try to go for a walk every morning at 6.30am before he goes out. That’s the only time I know he’ll be inside to mind the kids and they are normally asleep. When I could go out, I’d have to arrange and pay a babysitter to meet friends, shopping, funerals etc because he would never be in on time or would be giving out.
I know I’m not perfect either
I feel since the lockdown more confined and stressed.
I know I’m not perfect either, I like to keep the house clean and tidy and have the kids in bed early. I’ve started taking wine at night to destress, which I know isn’t good, but it’s the only relaxer I feel I have.
What would you advise?
Concerned regular reader
Dear Concerned regular reader,
Thank you for getting in touch. I can sense the stress from your letter and it’s little wonder that you are feeling overwhelmed. While you say that your husband is very busy, you are under incredible pressure as well. It’s very natural that you feel this way and that should not be dismissed.
It seems that you and your husband are living almost separate lives within the one home and it must be lonely.
It would be great if you could talk to somebody in confidence and start taking small steps to support yourself
It’s a pity he could not see the benefit in counselling to solve these issues, but I think this could still be a very valuable resource for you. Is that counsellor providing support online or by phone at the moment? It would be great if you could talk to somebody in confidence and start taking small steps to support yourself.
Reading your letter, I feel that something has got to give. For example, you mention feeding farm workers on top of all your other jobs. Is that something you must continue, or is there a way around it ie could your husband buy in dinners from a deli?
And perhaps it would not take long for him to realise the work involved
This is not to cause an argument or extra tension between you, but this falls under the farm side of the business essentially, which is your husband’s main area. If he is slow to make changes on his side to balance things at home, maybe you have to take the initiative. And perhaps it would not take long for him to realise the work involved.
Me time is a must
In more normal times, I might have suggested getting help from a cleaner etc, but that is off the table right now due to social distancing. Maybe make a list of your own priorities to decide what really needs to be done at home and what can wait. Me time is a must. The daily walk is a great habit; as you know yourself, the wine is not. I would encourage you to look at other ways to de-stress or connect eg could you do a Zoom call with your friends after the kids go to bed, an online yoga class etc?
I believe the first step is to reconnect with your counsellor
You are a very important person in this family and you need to look after yourself. And while we can’t change other people; we can make changes in ourselves and it’s amazing where they can lead. But I believe the first step is to reconnect with your counsellor so that you feel that somebody has your back at this challenging time. Best of luck.
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