Dear Miriam,

My mother passed away last spring after a long battle with cancer. We were very close and there are times I find it hard to believe she is really gone.

My parents were married over 40 years and while they worked hard on the farm to provide for the family, they always made time for each other, going to socials, card games, dancing, etc. They had their ups and their downs too, of course, but were a great example to my siblings and me when we got married and started our own families.

After mam passed away, I was very concerned about how dad would cope. My brother is farming at home, so that was some comfort, and myself and my sisters did our best to call over as often as possible to help with cleaning, filling the freezer, etc. We also encouraged dad to get out meeting his pals again. After a few months of gentle encouragement, we were delighted to see him out and about, especially when he went to a dance with some other couples he and mam used to socialise with.

The last thing I expected, however, was that he would meet a woman there. She is about 10 years younger than him and is widowed with grown-up children. Now they are off out some place or another every Friday night. He hasn’t called her his “girlfriend” yet, but she seems as good as. I am beyond shocked that he has found somebody to take mam’s place when she’s hardly buried a year. However, my siblings don’t seem to be as upset as I am, saying it’s probably a good thing for all of us that he has some company.

The latest is that he wants us to meet her. I can hardly bring myself to go up to the house, never mind meet his new “squeeze”. Am I being unreasonable?

Concerned Daughter

Dear Concerned Daughter,

First of all, my condolences on the loss of your mother, as it’s clear you were very close. Little wonder then that you are so upset that your father seems to have found a new female friend so quickly. From your point of view, it seems like your mother has just been “replaced” by this stranger, while you are still wracked with grief. However, I wonder what you might learn if you had a heart-to-heart with your father and explained how you feel in a sensitive way?

You assume that this woman is a “girlfriend”, but perhaps companion is a better word. If your father was always used to socialising with other couples, it must be difficult for him to attend these events on his own. Maybe this is just a platonic arrangement that suits them both, especially as this lady also lost her husband? Perhaps your father has also been able to open up to her in a way that he can’t with you or your siblings, as he knows you are dealing with your own grief and he doesn’t want to be a burden?

However, even if there is some romance blossoming, it doesn’t mean that this woman has replaced your mother, or ever will. Everybody grieves in a different way and just because it looks like somebody has “moved on”, it does not mean they miss their loved one any less.

I wonder if it would be beneficial for you to seek some bereavement counselling, not just to work through your feelings about your father’s new relationship, but also the impact of the loss of your mother? You have obviously done your best to look after your dad, but right now it might be good to focus on how you are coping. You can find details of a local accredited counsellor through the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy on www.iacp.ie or by calling 01-230-3536.

I know the immediate issue is that your dad wants you to meet this woman and I would understand if that is something you are not ready for. However, I do think it is important to keep the channels of communication open and maintain your father-daughter relationship despite this impasse. At the end of the day, we only have so much time with our loved ones and life is too short for regrets. I really hope you both find healing on your bereavement journey.